again?!

Yup, I moved yet again. Irritating isn't it?

Please change links!

http://beautifylove.wordpress.com

the REAL reflection

Eric pointed out that my last entry was not much of reflection at all, which I totally agree. I think that the long entry before that caused a brain fart so I couldn't really think much or the determination to write more. So now I'm somewhat determined to write a long entry today! Let's hope the fatigue from last night won't get the best of me.

The past few days have been contradicting each other of being uneventful and quite eventful. It's only been uneventful during the day since there's nothing much to do except drive at some places to go grocery shopping or to drop off my brothers. Other than that, I stare at the computer and talk to a couple of people and read the Taiwan brochure that my dad gave me. However, I find that at night is filled with things to do or look up. Well, I guess it's also most of the time I'm talking to people online and skyping in wee hours. I'm actually quite amazed of how long I could stay up lately considering that I would freak out if I stood up later than 12AM during school.

However, I think that it's still worth it in the end because I was able to share alot of the feelings that I couldn't open up before. At first though I was very hesitant in telling people how I feel or the concerns that I had. In a way, I do feel like I'm burdening people with my worries, knowing that they have no power to change anything. Alot of times I feel disappointed to whom I tell because that individual becomes clueless of what to do and mindlessly listen to things that he/she can't relate to. Because of this, Eric mentioned that my level of attachment can grow rather deep, which I found to be painfully true. In the end, I figured that it was best not being close to people because of the level of attachment and expectation that I can potentially have with others. I've done it before and it hurts losing that feeling of security and trust, and I'd to try and be shot down again. That doesn't mean that I won't trust anyone anymore, I guess the degree of trust just won't be as easy to achieve from me because of my past experiences.

So the past few days have been pretty hectic since my sister's graduation was this week. Two days ago, my family minus my father drove to my parents' office to meet up my dad. Seeing that my dad went out for dinner, we ended up waiting for my dad until he returned. Personally, I found that a complete waste of an hour because we were essentially just sitting there doing almost nothing when we could have saved that time to drive to Irvine first and start the packing. After my dad got his dinner, my siblings and I grew hungry since our family has been lazy and neglected to cook for the last few days. So, we ended up driving to Taco Bell and stocked up on tacos and burritos and went ahead to Irvine.

Looking at Irvine reminded me back at Berkeley and how large the difference in size, security, and cleanliness they both have. Besides the armed robbery that my sister had a couple of months ago at her hall, I always viewed Irvine as another city of Walnut, except it's bigger and prettier to the point that I would actually agree to Jason if he called that city the surburbia maxima. After living in Berkeley for a couple of days, it made me realize how safe most of us are in Walnut or in any suburban city in southern California. I guess that living in Berkeley will give me a good insight of how real and unsafe the real world can be at some degree...

Anyways, so we went to visit my sister and help her pack all her things in her dorm room. If you guys don't know, my sister is a resident advisor (RA) in the Mesa Courts of UCI. Basically, she's in charge of a hall of about eighty residents to make sure that they aren't doing anything against housing policy (drinking, smoking, drugs, etc.) and to check if all of them have checked out accordingly. Of course there are always the fun part of the job since she gets to bond with alot of her residents during the year with movies, outings, or activities. In all, RAs are supposed to be role models for the residents as well as a "mother" while they are transitioning to college.

One great benefit of being an RA is that you get your own room, your big own room, and your big own room that has your own bathroom and entrance. That means, alot of stuff. I don't blame her though, I'm sure that I would have much more stuff than she has at Berkeley. Anyways, my family and I spent a couple of hours wrapping and boxing up her things. It was very tiring, but it was touching to see her and her residents crying together and saying their goodbyes.

Today was my sister's graduation. I must say, UCI prepares their graduation very efficiently. You see, at high school, the staff forces the seniors to rehearse for two days while UCI takes only an hour to get everyone lined up and their names down. That's what you call efficient. The number of graduates was about the same as that as my graduation, but the time length was much shorter. Most of us were so tired that we fell asleep after we cheered on my sister when her name was called. It was good that the graduation took place indoors too, we would have fried if we were outside.

After graduation, our family took a bunch of photos together as well with her other friends. It was amazing to see her graduate already and she her grow and mature through each year. I really want to express how proud I am to be her sister and a great role model, but I feel I've already made it redundant enough while she was at home. I think the great thing about her being in college was that we were able to be much closer and share alot of interests together. I'll stop from there.

Since most of us were hungry, my sister drove to Yogurtland. My mom gave us a clear message that she wasn't a huge of yogurt seeing that she hardly liked any of the flavors that it offered (and if you've been to Yogurtland, they offer over ten flavors of just yogurt). She also left the yogurt as soup in the end since she ate too slow. Oh well.

Okay, I'll end it here since there's much more to update soon that I haven't mentioned yet...

deep thinking and reflection

Summer seems so uneventful now a days since I came back from CalSO. After spending a couple of hours on the post yesterday, I still resort to this blog again to talk to myself (in a way). I've been wanting to change this blog looks, but blogger leaves a limited amount of choices to do. This is probably one reason I don't particularly like using blogspot because of its limitations. I've been so used to utilizing HTML and Livejournal that using blogspot has led me to be unsatisfied with the design features of blogspot. I'm considering leaving this soon if I get really annoyed by the limited features.

As my brothers and I were browsing around Blockbuster for movies, I wanted to rent so many movies that have been recently released such as "The Bucket List," "Jumper," "P.S. I Love You," and many others. I managed to rent "The Bucket List" and "27 Dresses," so I'm hoping that my brothers will come home soon from their get together so that we can watch the former.

Walnut has been pretty lonely since most of my friends already left to Taiwan or somewhere out of town. I'm excited that the 18th is coming soon! I'm also looking forward to seeing my sister graduate since she worked so hard at UCI to earn it! It seems that time flies by so fast. I can still remember the excitement of me and my sister graduating on the same day four years ago. She has grown so much, I'm so proud of her!

Inspiration with Tired Eyes

I am back from the dead. Kind of? Considering that I had about four hours of sleep the night (actually, morning) before makes me feel as though I am still dying from lack of sleep. Oh well, it was worth it.

I really need to make blogging a habit rather than an obligation for me. I DO enjoy blogging, but there are just so many other things to do or I'd rather do (yes, Stephanie, you are so dedicated to your blog). I think I mentioned this in my previous entry, but I feel that there's so much to say but at the same time I have so little to say. Call me a seeker of attention or what not, but I feel as though the opinions that I make is rather insignificant and waste of time for me type and others to read. The more I think of that idea, the more I feel reluctant to try continuing. I suppose I degrade myself too much. Well, happy one year for this blog, let's see how long it'll stay up and updated for.

After a few weeks after not updating, nothing much has been different. At least, I don't feel any different. Noticing that many people make a larger deal about graduation than I do makes me feel as though I'm neglecting everything happening and just let it go without me considering how important it is. Though, I found it peculiar that I didn't cry at the graduation at all, which helped me win a bet against Eric (haha). I laugh now that he has a lovely Dir en Grey desktop wallpaper on his laptop for a month. It was quite amusing hearing him shutter in disgust (?) while I was up at NorCal in his apartment.

Back to graduation, I was very grateful that my dad, brothers, and sister came to watch me get a diploma. I was a bit sad that my grandma and mom couldn't come, though I tried convincing myself that high school graduation was not as important. Also, since my mom had alot of things to do in Taiwan, I didn't want her to risk missing alot of her work and encouraged her to stay there and miss my graduation.

I guess another reason why I didn't feel as sad for graduation as I should be is because of the many things that were coming up after graduation such as CalSO, my sister's graduation, and Taiwan! Maybe I was so excited about those things that I was too preoccupied to be sad. However, I will miss my close group of friends alot because I would be one of the few who will be living up NorCal along with Sandra and Levey. However, I doubt I wouldn't see them often either because of the limited selection of classes that I can pick. I'm sure though that we will all still be able to keep in touch with each other since communication is fast and convenient. Just being able to see them everyday is a habit that might be difficult to overcome.

After graduation, I stayed overnight at Sandra along with the rest of our group. After KTV-ing and fooling around for hours, I realized the great effect of the meds that I had to take during the week. Lack of sleep with medications equals no good at all. Overall, it was a fun experience to sleep over and bond with everyone before everyone had to leave out of town.

Which reminds me! A week ago or so, I developed a mouth infection after I bit my tongue really hard. However, I never really realized how critical it was until my lymph nodes became swollen and my gums grew sensitive and red. Later, I grew hot with a fever while we were at Santa Monica beach. The next day, I went to see a doctor and he told me that I had a virus that looks related to Herpes Simplex (no, not the STD). He then prescribed me antibiotics. During that week, I felt very depressed that I couldn't eat or talk properly for a very long time. Losing weight and being mute half the time made me feel sluggish and unhappy since I was used to eating periodically and talking to others. Most of the time, I resorted to mumbling or making weird noises so that others would understand bits and pieces of what I want to say.

While I was up at NorCal with Eric, I forced myself to talk because it would have felt awkward not talking to him or impolite. That night, I felt a burning feeling of my tongue that didn't get better the next day, but I guess it was worth it considering I had alot of fun hanging out with him and strolling around San Francisco with him for the first time. He took me the Westfield shopping area there and looked at many clothes that we couldn't afford. Eric kept encouraging me to buy a really expensive shirt in Bloomingdales. Afterwards, we ate at the food court there. I found it hard to find what to eat since I was only able to eat something soft and warm. I started scooping in some mashed potatoes and gravy as well as some steamed vegetables and Swedish meatballs on the side. I spooned in a pint of clam chowder as well since most of the food was too hard to chew and swallow down.

Unfortunately, I ended not not being able to eat half of the food I bought, which was pretty pricey. I soon realized that eating salty foods became so painful that I started to well up tears while I was struggling to eat. As a result, I couldn't drink the clam chowder or the gravy. The mashed potatoes were also a bit salty, so I started scooping it with the steamed vegetables so it was tolerable to eat. Afterwards, we took the BART back to Berkeley to his apartment.

I found his apartment very homey and bigger than the dorms (well, obviously). Because I was ignorant and lazy, we ended up working on my course schedule for fall semester. I regret ever doing this the night before, no fun at all. But after changing some courses around, I had a rough and back up schedule in case the classes get full. I felt bad though since I took alot of Eric's time to work on the scheduling and listening to his opinions on some of his classes. I was very grateful though for his help. Without it, I wouldn't have a nice schedule and I would have probably freaked out half the time when I have to reserve classes.

After finishing the schedule, Eric was nice enough to walk me back to Unit 3 that night. Which I must emphasize, was probably one of the scariest nights I've ever experienced. Living in a suburban town (as Jason dubs it a surburbia maxima), I never had a problem walking out at night alone since it was safe enough to do so. As I walked down a block with Eric, I kept walking either really close to his side or behind him. There was one point when I had to hold his arm because there was a hobo standing relatively close to us and talked about us.

After Eric dropped me off, I slowly came in the room and went to the bathroom to shower. I felt really bad since I had to keep unlocking and opening the door to gather some things that I forgot such as soup. I slept around 2AM that night.

The next day was the official CalSO day! I got ready, slowly ate breakfast and met a new friend from the College of Engineering. It was nice meeting a person from SoCal and somewhere nearby (Torrance). He invited me to eat with him and his friends, so I agreed and followed him. It was nice meeting different people and starting over with a clean slate, although Josh was amused by the fact that I was part of a show choir in school. He and his friends found it abnormal for me to eat oatmeal and actually like it. It was in a sense tolerable, but it was the only thing I could eat because of the continental breakfast. Continental breakfast equals bagels, donuts, muffins, ...in general just alot of bread that was solid and painful to eat. Just to save some embarrassment, I told them that the oatmeal was very good and pushed the fruit to the side since it was too painful to eat that as well.

After breakfast, everyone met up with their counselors. Later that day, I decided to ditch CalSO since my mouth continued to hurt more to the point where I didn't want to interact with too many people since alot of people means that I would want to talk more. So after dinner, I called Eric to meet up with him to hang out and wrap up my course schedule. I don't remember much of what we did, we talked about high school experiences and people we encountered. It was a nice talk since I got to know Eric more.

The next morning, Cafe 3 actually served real hot food for breakfast (yay!), so I stocked up on eggs and oatmeal again. CalSO was fun again since our group bonded more and we knew that we would have a class together in Chemistry 4A (as well as suffer together...). So after we said our goodbyes, I met up with Eric again to eat lunch and hang out at his apartment again. I was able to make a deal with him and treated him dinner at Tomatina, which was pretty good for the price. We then took the BART/AirBART where he dropped me off at the Oakland Airport. We said our goodbyes there and I was off back home!

Overall, I really enjoyed NorCal more than I did back at Cal Day in April, except the hobo part. I guess it was cause I felt a little less intimidated by the campus since I was able to meet much more people and bond with alot of classmates from different parts of the state (well, most of them were from NorCal). I was also able to get to know Eric more, who I found a pleasure to spend time with.

So any updates lately? I bought myself a journal so I could write in some random thoughts or meaningful poems or what not. I soon found it very useful to rant and scribble around my feelings. So if you find that I don't write enough here in this blog, you would know why.

My mouth infection is also healing since I am able to talk and eat alot better than I did at CalSO. It was a pity though that it didn't get better before then. Oh well, it's better than not getting better at all!

result of nothing

The result of having no homework is the greatest thing ever. I'm loving senior year to its fullest because not only am I able to spend time with my family more often without bickering or fighting over study time, but also I had many opportunities to go out with friends and bump into old friends.

Very very old friends.

It was a total coincidence to have able to meet my kindergarten friend Clara again during Clarice's recital. Not only did she have the same facial features as I have remembered from the past, but she also grew up to be a beautiful girl. It was amazing to see the chances of us reuniting together again and good terms unlike the unusual one with me and Clarice.

I found it very hard to let go of the responsibilities that I had for Key Club. Of course, I was so happy that the stress of planning events or contacting organizations was off my shoulders. However, the times that I was able to share my dedication to other people made me feel very nostalgic in which gave me a hard hit of how close graduation will be. It amazing how some of the things that we do in high school quickly become a routine for us every week that can easily break towards the end of the year.

Last week, my sister's residents bought her a Nintendo Wii for her birthday, which she brought home for use to play. To my disbelief, my father was obsessed with Tennis on the WiiSports, playing it six hours straight till 4 in the morning and woke up again 7 hours later to play some more. Talk about a very addicting fetish. As a result, we laughed as my father couldn't pick up a bowl of food.

bringing back some comfort

My apologies for that short hiatus.

Days are going by and school is quickly spiraling down to its end as Prom flies by and AP testings bring the year's horrible end. I just finished the Calculus BC AP exam, which much of my dismay, was fairly difficult and boring that I nearly fell asleep during the first half hour of the test. I can blame either it was for my body that was not used to the extra hour I slept or for the test's difficult problems that cause my brain to immediately shut down. I pray for a 5, but expecting it like last year.

The next test is going to be English Literature AP that I will almost guarantee fail unless my brain synthesizes information that I never knew that ends up being ultimately useful for the test. Let's hope my brain doesn't fart again and end up shutting down on me. Hope is a very weak word used in this sentence.

Seeing that I opened the Barron's AP book to try a mock test, I see almost no progression. I frown at my lack of motivation.

Monday was a "great" start for the AP testing week since I somehow developed a sore throat. I felt sluggish and hoped that it something temporary. I was wrong and started to make some of my remedy, hot lemon juice with honey drizzled in the cup. Even though it takes a long time for the sore throat to cure, it's alot more enjoyable than swallowing pills.

I am excited to see that Erica is going to hopefully be my roommate at Berkeley. I find it so troublesome though to come back to Berkeley for orientation and for other needs. I forget that the distance is more than just an eight hour drive every so often.

out of sight, out of mind

For the past week or so, I've been having the urge of writing an entry. However, as easily as I can just regurgitate my mind, I found it awfully hard to start the first word. Thus, I continued to put it off until my mind was annoyed by the thought of updating this blog. Is it any significant that I update at all with my jaded life full of the same routines? So far, I haven't found anything great in my life to mention at the least something to talk about.

I guess one thing that has been incessantly bothering my mind lately is the constant reminders or simply put, demands that my parents have been giving me. As polite as they want to be, they give me notions of ending my relationship. Sometimes, I can't help but think if that decision will really affect me for the better or worse.

Does that mean that if I don't get a 3.5 or higher at college that they have every reason to blame that my relationship was a factor?

Commitment is an awful word to fulfill.
Risk is a hard word that is hard to do.

Waterheater broke. That sucks.

10 minutes of SILENCE

This was an English homework assignment that I wish to copy and paste here out of laziness. Well, not really, it IS like a blog entry. So I'll share!

It was difficult to think during the ten minutes of silence. Ironically, it felt much longer than spending an hour surfing through the internet and listening to music at the same time. I continually looked at my cell phone, pressing a button to light up the screen and check the time. Hoping that it would light up the time as 8:12PM (started at 8:02PM), I was much in dismay when I saw the disappointing 8:07PM. Five minutes has passed when it seemed like much longer. Impatient, I felt as though I was at the least productive. Ironic I say that though since I would spend mindlessly on the computer doing things that was no where relative to my homework assignments. I realized then that my life goes by so quickly that I find time as a priority that was imperative in my routine. However, I found myself contradicting since, again, I waste my time rather than setting my priorities first.

“Speaking of time,” I thought, next thing I knew was that school will quickly come to its end. It was shocking that my school Prom was coming in the near two weeks. Without a dress or an appointment to the mall, I was nervous since I usually have it ready within an earlier time. Not only that, choir concert and AP tests sandwiches that occasion. Lastly, graduation will quickly fly by unnoticeably. It made me depressed that high school will be over. Soon, I will be living on my own without my parents’ aid within my reach. I walked around the bathroom since it was the only room that was quiet in this house. Fears rolled up my spine as I was concerned about the future: my relationship with Jonathan, surviving Berkeley, and my future. Getting into Berkeley was already a great blessing, but surviving would be a great obstacle that I’m unsure I will accomplish. Quite frankly, I did so well in school just for my parents’ happiness. However, I’m afraid that I will fail them in Berkeley. I am deathly scared of ever doing that.

Living a high school full of responsibilities around home, it would feel awkward and peculiar that I will not have to be obligated to pick up that routine in about five months. I wonder if I’ll miss doing those burdensome chores that I despised. On the lighter side, it did help me pick a lot of beneficial habits that I will need in college and in the future.

Summing it to one

It's amazing how quickly time flies when you're having fun. Spring break came and went. However, this lackadaisical attitude and life of procrastination that I have been dwelling for the last few months leave me thinking how I was so productive during junior year. Well, I never was really productive, I was just a bit more determined about my academics than I am now.

Even though it's a year of relaxation, it left me more negative effects than I expected. Many times I blank out or just stare at the computer when I could be easily vomiting my thoughts on this entry.

To sum up Spring Break will be an obstacle. Not really, but it will take some thinking beyond my will. Ha, I'll attempt to anyways for memory's sake.

April 5th - Ken's 18th Birthday at Todai's. We then shopped around and I had to get some groceries.
April 6th - Parents left to Vegas. Jonathan and I watched Death of a Salesman on his laptop and ate Korean tofu for dinner.
April 7th - Sandra's 18th Birthday at Old Town Pasadena. I promised myself a $20 budget there. I was so wrong.
April 8th - Wisdom teeth pulled out. Let's just call that a day.
April 9th - Ironically did nothing that day. Parents came home.
April 10th - Connie's 18th Birthday at her house. Went to Coconut Bay for dinner and met some new people! Truth or Dare was awesome. New cell phone!
April 11th - Packed up for NorCal. Drove up north for about 8 hours and slept over at my dad's friend's house.
April 12th - Cal Day!
April 13th - Drove back to SoCal. Got home around 10:30pm

Okay, I think I used enough of my mind today. I hate being lazy. Bah, I'll blog more tomorrow over college or something of that sort. However, I think procrastination will get the best of me very soon.

it's anything but normal.

Here are some things that I must tell you about myself. I, ironically, do not get along with my mother very well. We can bicker and yell at each other over a silly little subject and make it the biggest issue in the world that is more important than any other war.

Over the past week...
I've felt like a hound bred to perfection and shown off by whom I barely even know. My mother reminds me incessantly how much money she spends and invests on me to send me to SAT classes, hoping to mold me into a smart little girl. "Don't waste my money," is a saying that I always recall from my classes, pressured to do well not for my own sake, but for the sake of not being blamed. I was pushed and pulled to different SAT institutes, hoping that one of them will help me break the 2000 range. In all, I must have attended 90% of the institutes that are available in this area.

Now that I have been accepted to Berkeley, I feel that I've only been redeemed as an award for my mother, a showdog that she has trained. The more I think about going to Berkeley, the less I think about how smart I am, rather, how much fame I would bring to my mother. In the disappointing and bitter end, she gets the trophy, not I.

I've been annoyed by my mother for a very long time since she makes every excuse to not drive her luxurious Mercedes S500 just so that she can drive the IS250. Hence, I do not put "my" IS250 because, oh ha, yeah, I don't own the damn car cause it's "her" damn money that she spent. The more that I look at the dream car that I've always wanted, the more I ever regret wanting to get the stupid IS. In retrospect, I should have just asked for that extra cash and invest it on something else rather than investing on the car that my mother uses. Since my brothers are getting their permit soon, say goodbye to shiny and say hello to dents and scratches. Might as well listen to this lady and "save money" by buying the Camry. Me and my big mouth and ambitions.

Many would think, "you should be lucky of driving a car." Ha, once I go to Berkeley, I practically don't even own the car anymore. Oh wait, I never owned the car. Ha, stupid me.

I would suggest selling her S500 since she complains that it costs too much money for maintenance. She can probably use that money to buy a brand new Camry. New car, hardly any maintenance = Done Deal.

The more I think about living in this house, the more I feel as that I'm just a mere person living in this house and paying the fees back by labor and cleaning. Since everything is spent by her and that it's her money, it is said to believe I belong to her since she gave birth to me. As a result, I have to pay her back because she gave me life. Then, I'd rather not have a life at all.

Perhaps a final choice.

After six horrible, dreadful months of planning, paying, applying, and waiting for colleges/universities, the hectic yet exhilarating race is over. I still do not understand the whole "Moment of Our Lives: April 1st" kind of gig since I did get my replies from all the universities four days before the actual day. Thank goodness for internet. Maybe they should call it, "Moment of Our Lives: Last weeks of March."

After receiving the results, there's not much to contemplate of which schools I should go to. So I guess I'll just post up the results now...

Accepted: UC Riverside, UC Santa Barbara, UC Irvine, UC San Diego, Wellesley, USC, Cal Berkeley
Rejected: Johns Hopkins, Northwestern, UCLA

Considering that Cal is the #1 public school in America and it saves alot more money than USC, my parents are pretty sure and psyched that I'm going to Cal. There's not much to say other than that.

Excited? Kind of. Yet intimidated and scared. Hopefully Cal Day will change my mind.

A Sweet Side to everything

This blog originally was created to make describe, comment, and critique on foods. I may be not as pro as most other people on the internet, but I still have a passion for eating. So, I might as well fulfill the purpose the blog once more rather than only rant about ubiquitous high school issues.

In the sunny southern California, many would line up for ice creams or frozen yogurts in those bright, chic stores filled with either barrels of ice cream or chopped, frozen fruits. Taiwan's version of ice cream, shaved ice, is anything but cream, with the exception of the sweet, rich condensed milk that is drizzled all over the ingredients. Simple yet satisfying, I beg to differ that ice cream can make the summer greater than Taiwanese shaved ice. From fruits to grass jelly, shaved ice conquers with its versatility to add virtually anything on top of the ice.

Cheaper than going to Pinkberry and spend money on an overpriced, tiny bowl of freeze dried "yogurt."

this college MAYHEM

Dwelling among affluent families in an affluent neighborhood, I realized that most high school students are very spoiled. Yes, I repeated the word "affluent" just to emphasize really, how spoiled most of us are. We are able to afford many college/SAT institutions in which we high school students attend for our own benefit. We then feel confident that we will do well since we attend to some of the most prestigious (but the most expensive) places to prepare us for the exams. Some of us also follow a legacy of attending to the most outstanding schools in the country. We become so spoiled and over-confident and we lose the sense of reality.

The reality that most of us won't get what we want. However, that's the thing that most teenagers don't understand around here. We don't get what we always want. We can afford the latest technologies and afford the nicest clothing, but we cannot impress the colleges with our fortune.

Some of us add, "Why? Why can't I get into the school that I've been wanting to go to for __ years?" (you can fill that in yourself). We continue to state this rhetorical question and read the rejection letter a few more times, just to make sure that our eyes didn't trick us.

It's amazing how overconfident people can be. The day after the UCLA decisions came in, seniors who applied were either ecstatic or groggy the whole day. Some believed that they should have been accepted and felt degraded that this school, full of glamor and prestige, should accept them as well.

There were times when I would just want to mercilessly smack them across the face. They seriously need a reality check.

Despite the fact that I didn't get into UCLA (oh boo hoo), I was in fact very grateful that I was. Throughout high school, my parents' dreams were for me to get into UCLA. Through all the institutions that I went through to either prepare for the SATs or for colleges, my mother would always come in and tell everything that I wanted to get int UCLA and it was MY dream school.

Oh really now? I could have said that if it was my dream school.

From dinner tables to meeting with college counselors, my mother would always ask questions if I was ever able to make it to my "dream school." Not only was it extremely annoying and embarrassing, but it also made me feel rebellious to whatever my mother said. I asked her, "If I get into LA and into the privates (Northwestern, Johns Hopkins, Wellesley, and USC), which ones Too bad I killed her hopes?

Sure, UCLA is a great school. However, I think this whole "OMG, I DIDN'T GET INTO LA" is getting too dry. Maybe people should be grateful of what they got into so far rather than living on the edge of false hope.

Life goes on. There's always transfer or graduate school. Doors are opened to you, it's just the matter if people would walk into those doors.

By the way, if you REALLY want to know what I got into, here it is.

Accepted: UC Riverside, UC Santa Barbara, UC San Diego, and USC
Waiting on: UC Berkeley, Northwestern, Johns Hopkins, and Wellesley
Rejected: UCLA

updates of me

March is a very interesting month. Heck, drama here and college acceptances and rejections there, everything is so spontaneous!

I lack creativity everyday.
But attempting to do so and fail, I will make a bullet outline update of some events:

MARCH.
tues. 4 - Got Teddy's vaccinations done. We found out he has a belly button and how much he hates shots.

fri. 7 - Bought some Ten Ren's and cooked dinner with Connie to feed the hungry boys (Jono&Eric). Watched Fiddler on the Roof that night and had some unexpected and disappointing surprises. I'm sure Mandy knows too.

tues. 11 - CAHSEE SUPER LATE START. hung out at Ken's house as they played Brawl. Cooked breakfast at his house and looked after his adorable dog. Met up with Connie and Jessica for brunch and attempted to take pictures at Cue (they were closed though). Came to school at 12:25PM.

wed. 12 - Late start. Went to Maxim Cafe with Connie, Sandra, Clarice, Bella, and Jono.

fri. 14 - Met up at Jono's house to decorate shirts. Ate dinner at Barro's Pizza and bought some more supplies at Joann's. Played BRAWL. Awesome game! Good with Gamecube controllers though.

sat. 15 - Cousin David and Olivia's Wedding! Chased after crab cakes and danced the night off. Got sick :(

shredded from patience and tolerance

"What is tolerance? -- it is the consequence of humanity. We are all formed of frailty and error; let us pardon reciprocally each other's folly -- that is the first law of nature." -Voltaire

There are degrees of difficulty in practicing tolerance. I'm sure that many of us have practiced it often and may either succeed or failed. However, there are people that I cannot tolerate at all because they cannot tolerate others.

Does that make sense??

these high school goals

A little 8th grader who was eager to "graduate," I was amazed and inspired by Walnut High, and wanted to be involved in many extra curriculars.

Unfortunately, I accomplished many that I didn't plan for.

Some high school regrets that I wished I was involved in were:
1) Be a part of drumline. Oh gosh, I remember being so speechless during that orientation.
2) Have a part of a play/musical. I should have tried out this year!
3) Be a part of Yearbook. Not sure about that now...

Well.. those were a few of my silly ambitions. I guess there are a couple more that I can fulfill.

1) Be nominated for Prom. That would be pretty cool. Haha, I always daydream being nominated for some type of school dance. It would be nice. I don't even want to win, just being nominated would be nice.

Haha even more of a silly ambition right?

attitude? better zip that mouth up.

Hate or appreciate are the two major thoughts that have been revolving around my tiny head this whole week. However, it's more as though I've received more of hate from others when I wish they would appreciate for what I do.

I'm not the kind of person who seeks drama as if it's something exciting (well, sometimes I do), but more like I try to avoid it as much as possible. Little did I know though I've ran into so much of this cursed high school drama this week that my body is physically and mentally wiped out and my eyes are puffing and burning every moment I blink.

I lost a friend because of his haughty ambitions. I had to confront a friend along with others with the problems that we had. Finally, I feel as though I'm not getting enough appreciation from my twin brothers for the things that I do for them.

Who would have known that these conflicts have fallen into the three catagories that are included in my life everyday: Extra curriculars, friendship, and family.

This week was just perfect. What can get worse?

no, me first!

Those are the only words that can so clearly describe my mother.

As a plan in case my mother refuses to help me purchase a laptop for college purposes, I've decided to save 60% of what I make to that "funding." Though, I may just spontaneously change my mind and fulfill my obsession of getting a new cell phone (Sony Ericsson K660?), so I thought this might just be a "saving" for expensive needs of technology.

After punching some numbers in the calculator, I realized that I may not be able to afford a laptop that I would want. Would want is they key my lovelies. No, I'm not just looking for another Dell or Hewlett-Packard that actually competes against my parents' company. Oh no, I'm looking for hopefully a 1) Sony Vaio or 2) Apple Macbook/Macbook Pro.

An Apple product, Stephanie?! Yes, I am clearly known to dislike Apple products. Especially for its iPods. I find that they overprice their dedicated customers. Last year, I got a Samsung Y9 4GB mp3 player for $20 less than the Apple Nano 4GB, and the Y9 had more features than the Nano. But let me explain here, I would like a laptop that is convenient, reliable, and fast. Owning about three failing laptops featuring Windows, I think I am up for something new. However, the overpriced factor of the Macbook is hindering my decision at the moment. If I end up wanting to purchase one though, it better not be white.

Last resort? Hope I get into a school that my parents want me to get into. I don't want to go to UCLA, but if I end up with a stroke of luck, a strong stroke of luck, then my parents may end up be so happy that they will happily help me buy a laptop. We'll see?

redemption. improvement

Since second semester senior year started, I found that my life quickly formed into a daily routine that would cycle continuously the same pattern. I did not anticipate my days to be made up of school, work, show choir, and chores. Last week was an exception though with the daily outings with friends and dinners with my family.

Show Choir. Yes, I am one of the forty-two girls who dresses up in those blue, glittery dresses, embellishes herself with double the makeup, applies red lipstick like it's never enough, and continues to slap on glitter on her chest and temples. Yes, I sing, and quite decently too. And yes, I smile with my corrected teeth and attempt to "flirt" on stage with a wink just so we, as a choir, appear that we're having fun.

Show Choir has certainly taught me one thing. Drama.

No. Unnecessary drama. There are a few individuals that I would LOVE to point out that can just talk behind people's bad as if it is as essential as water for survival. It makes me laugh and think how little it benefits for them in the near future. It is a pity that they will live never learn that gossiping about other girls is temporary and while their actions will, actually, permanently damage them. Oh well?

As music plays victoriously among the five schools, three judges appears behind the curtains presenting four trophies that will be issued to the top four of the six schools competed. Each girl in each school, with their make up and hairpieces intact, hold each other hands tightly, hoping to represent their schools with a trophy. A women begins to speak on the microphone, holding a piece of paper. No, it was not just any insignificant piece of paper that one can just mindlessly throw away. It was the results. The results. The results that can make every girl cry with happiness or disappointment.

"In second place, WALNUT HIGH SCHOOL!"

You can probably hear the screams of shocks and utter surprise from the group. Not only were they were satisfied. They were content and fulfilled with a sense of happiness that could not be taken away from any school.

The show choir competition in Alta Loma certainly became a redemption for our team. Winning second place was just as sweet as winning first since Brea Olinda were just crazy. Though, it was a pity that it was our last competition in our division. However, I was surprised that I wasn't nearly as sad as most other seniors, maybe till Spring Pops. In retrospect, I will certainly miss the thrill of competitions, the memories we've created, and the unrelenting smiles that we had within each second of the show.

I will certainly miss the competitions.

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1065 Brea Mall, Sp. 2052A
Brea, CA 92821

a taste of freedom

After a few weeks or so of working for my mom, I managed to gain a monetary boost from my meager hourly wage. Although my wage has no comparison to others' minimum wages, I was quite satisfied that I was able to spend money without worrying about how much I had in my pocket. However, it is wise to save up and spend it on something bigger. But I must say, it was a great feeling that I was able to earn more money than desperately saving up a small yet satisfying $200 for one whole year.

Liberation was the first feeling that I felt when I first began the "job." Though it was merely a lick of it, it was better than the feeling of dependence to my parents' weekly "allowance" of $15, when actually, it was a payment of labor.

Women's had another competition at Diamond Bar High School yesterday. Although we were placed third out of four schools, it was very satisfying when we were placed higher than Eastlake High School.

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1388 S. Fullerton Rd., #125
Rowland Heights, CA 91748
626-965-9038

spoiled or blessed. your pick.

So it turned out sadly that Women's Ensemble did not get placed in the San Diego Competition, which I find very unfair. Out of seven schools that competed, we were placed 5th. It is ironic that we were placed at such a lowly position since we thought we should be placed for our musicianship. After the competition, many of us were disappointed of ourselves. But Sea World made it all better.

San Diego made me realize that I can eat more than I could imagine.
Saturday:
Nachos with cheese and guacamole
Chili cheese fries
Hi-Chews and gummies
6" Chicken parmesan sub
6" French onion sub
32 oz. Sprite
A bucket of fries
Hot cheetos puffs
Pocky

Sunday:
2 dishes of scrambled eggs
3 slices of bacon
Cinnamon roll
Strawberry and banana smoothie
Bacon Cheeseburger w/ fries
Lunchables Pizza
Hi-Chews and Gummies
Hot Cheeto puffs

Good Stuff.

In a woman's life, or even a girl's, we always have our firsts. Our first diamond necklace, ring, or a purse that is labeled by a particularly named brand. We cherish it and take care of it like our babies. We often take it out and show the world your wealth. After I came back from the San Diego trip, my mom told me that my cousin Olivia got me a present. To my surprise, she gave me my first jewelry from Tiffany & Co. as my 18th birthday gift.

*SQUEALS* yeah right.

It was pretty surprising that she bought me such an expensive gift when I don't see nor talk to her very often. At the same year, my mother also bought me my very first LeSportsac tokidoki purse (wow, a purse that is not fake!). Call me spoiled or blessed, I'm amazed and guilty for the gifts that they gave me. However, I have to be grateful and thank God for the unexpected fortune that I've bumped into.

Internal. Spinning. Mentality

As a start off of second semester, I decided, no, HAD NO CHOICE but to work for my mother in my parents' office. Quite sadly, I don't get paid the $8.00 minimum wage that most people earn. Instead, I get paid $6.00; however, I realized that I make about as much as a person who gets paid tax-deducted minimum wage. So it's pretty cool to earn an extra $40 a week or so each week.

Women's show choir competition is coming up! Excited!!

a mere shadow.

Amongst the class of twenty four in Mrs. Bardwell's fourth grade class, a girl sits about two seats away from the back where it was not to far from her teacher's piano. The girl also joined the praise group that performed weekly during chapel, and was also the sister of whom her teacher favored so much. The girl, who was quite chubby and overweight, eagerly and immediately raised her hand to answer a question that the teacher stated.

"Michelle!" would be the first word that the teacher would think and say the moment the girl raised her hand; however, that wasn't her name but her sister's. Although this was but the tenth time her teacher called her by that name, the girl was by that time used to being called by her sibling's name. She accepted that fact, knowing that even if she tried telling her teacher her name was actually "Stephanie," her teacher would continue calling her by her older sister's name.

Eight years later.

The girl sat in the library during her free first period, finishing up some homework that she has not yet completed. As she looks over, she sees and waves to Mrs. Donee, who was critiquing on IOCs for the IB students.

"Michelle! MICHELLE!"

The girl turned around and saw Mrs. Donee looking at her. The teacher called her to ask her a favor, which the girl happily agreed to do. Knowing that the teacher has called her by the wrong name, she shrugged it off and got a couple of books from the classroom. After returning the teacher her keys, the girl showed Mrs. Donee the Winter Formal pictures that she took with her boyfriend and asked her if she wanted one. Still unaware that the girl's actual name is Stephanie, the teacher took one the pictures and thanked the girl. The girl walked back to her desk and continued doing her homework.

She is told to become an RA in college like her sister. She remains merely existing as a walking shadow. In retrospect, she finds that she still has a difficult time discovering her identity when those around her pressure her to becoming someone to the point that she doesn't know who to be.

Intense gastronomy pleasures

Second semester seniors. A time of the school year when seniors finally get a taste of independence, freedom, and most of all, laziness. However, it's the laziness that comes from procrastination. However, going out is another story.

So after finals, which I probably failed terribly, I went out to sing my heart out, ate my heart out, and shopped my heart out. I also reunited with a very close friend back in middle school. Wow, time does fly by; however, memories really does fail to change or disappear. It was great seeing Vanessa again with her sweet smile. After meeting her numerous baby cousins, I began to feel nostalgic about middle school memories and just the simplicity of living to the fullest.

UCI has been struck with a strong but undeniable relationship that it is not the safest town around. It sucks to have that vision that what many thought to be a safe and clean town be corrected by armed robberies. Stay strong sis.

Saving up/Wishlist

I never really found out what I wanted for Christmas until after Christmas. Now I have to save up for these:

During the Las Vegas trip, my siblings, Jonathan, and I went to the Luxor arcade since we were really bored after dinner. While I was playing air hockey with Jonathan, I found out afterwards that I severely cracked my screen on my Samsung. That was a very devastating experience. Since the air hockey spewed out almost no air, he and I had to bend over alot to hit the puck. Lame. So I have been pretty bummed out seeing my phone with the ugly crack.
I've been looking around sites and came across this lovely new phone that was just released in the UK. The Sony Ericsson K660i. I WANT THIS. Ha, I wonder how much it's going to be though. Here's another picture of the green and white one.
So, I'm not really sure exactly how I'm going to fulfill my dreams about getting a new phone. Although my family's plan is already over, my mother hasn't sent a message that we were going to get a new phone. My sister tried poking it to her, but she never really budged. Plus, I'm not really up for another lecture of, "You should be content and grateful for what you have." Yes, mother, I am very content, but I am not content when you spend thousands of dollars for your weight-loss pills that never work while you don't even spend a penny buying us phones. I am not complaining about my phone plan, so keep the phone plan.

So, I basically have a choice of getting a job. No, not a real job, but a job from my parents' office. Unfortunately, I am also paid below minimum wage without any social security benefits. Minimum wage: $7.50-$8.00. My wage: $6.00 flat. Yeah, pretty sad. I probably leave around 8PM and get back home around 11:30PM-12:00AM depending on my mother. Oh gosh, I'm going to cry during inventories, which takes until about 1:00AM-2:00AM.

Well, I did kind of found another job from the Student Poll Program for the Primary Presidential Campaign. Out of dividing the amount of time and the money I get paid altogether ($105), it comes out to be about $7.50/hr. Now that's a good deal. And I get to miss school! Too bad the check doesn't come in for another 4-6 weeks after I have done the job.

So considering the two options in front of me, I can probably get the phone and possibly the laptop for college. Yeah, my parents refuse to support me for that as well. LAME.

a poem

I look around the room,
with confusion and despair.
And I was depress to assume
That the person is not there.

Forgiveness is what I seek
For him, not for me
However, I have less than a week
To know what our destination may be.

I hold what I have in my heart
And hope we will never be apart.
Turn around and run to the shining light
And do what I think is right.

i guess it was bad timing

下著雨讓濕氣稀釋回憶　我靠著你不出聲音
看著你看著斑駁的甜蜜　愛你困住你也困住我自己

我那躲也躲不掉的微妙傷口　隱隱作痛
你那戒也戒不掉的甜蜜藉口　也讓我精神腐朽

說你愛我　變成一種問候
不如趁早放手　把愛墜落讓滿地鮮紅
說你愛我　變成一種折磨
不用陪我走到最後　我承擔不起你的承諾

I wish you could have said no that night, or shouldn't have asked her at all.
As much as I want to cry and just hold you tight in my arms, I have to suck it up and know that there is no turning back.
I really thought you were someone who I can always turn to and share moments with;
however, I wish I can just take everything back now.

Was I too naive to see it coming and slap me in the face? Was I too optimistic, thinking that everything was going to work out and that our feelings for each other will never be hindered or stopped by either of our choices?


I guess I was wrong. Though, I wish I wasn't.

kindness that is felt, not spoken

I'm running out of good-looking food pictures. I need to upload the camera...

While doing the choreography for Women's Show Choir, I looked down and noticed that my shoes were mighty shiny and black. Staring at my what-it-looks-like new shoes, I made sure and recalled a few times that I did not polish them myself.

My dad came home and asked me what he did for me today. Of course I replied happily that he polished my shoes...and my boots!

I was quickly captured by the consideration and kindness of my father. It really made my day after spending painful hours asking my mom about FASFA/CSS.

the most unprecedented experience.

Getting a message called "Low Tires" from the Lexus display was something I did not expect out of the first day of winter break.

Because I had to leave the car there for the whole winter break in the wintry, chilling weather, the pressure of the front tires dropped so low that it felt like the bumpers were going to slide on the road. After only driving the Lexus for a little more than four months, I didn't expect the car to already have a minor problem.

So afterschool, Jonathan and I dropped by the Chevron and paid about $1.50 to get the tires to be back to normal.

A thing to keep in mind: When pumping tires, make sure to have quarters handy.

i want out.

I can't stand this pain anymore.

One hour and forty minutes ago...
I kicked her laundry across the kitchen and family room with hot tears blazing through my eyes. I stared at my nanny with infuriation and sadness and continued to kick her pajamas and underwear once or twice more.

She threw more towels down from her second story room to the first story floor and demanded to wash those too.

I swiped those off the floor and threw those along with her other clothing. I stepped into the study room.

I crouched down and allowed the tears to just fall.

I don't know if I can stay strong much longer. I look around and I find no strength to grab onto and hold.

I really want a job. Too bad I'm binding by this wicked woman who thinks that working for her is better than any other job. I'll pass and object to that. She pays me $6 an hour. My $10 allowance is not allowance. It's really a euphemism of 7 hours or so of labor that I do at home. Which means, I get paid about $1.43/hour.

And you all thought your job sucked. At least you have one guys.

The picture above was when the wicked was too lazy to cook us dinner and left home around 7:30PM for "work." My brothers and I fixed ourselves chili dogs and macaroni and cheese as a result. That was a great dinner.

desperate realization

I don't think you read this anymore, but I wanted to let this out typed out.

I'm sorry. I take it all back.

Bitterness knows no end.

After realizing that the end of winter break is rapidly approaching, I found that I have not enjoyed much of my winter break this year.

?! What did you say!!?

Yes, I did go to Las Vegas and accidentally spent and ate beyond my limits. BUT! I had an awesome time bonding with my siblings and spending time with my bunny.

However, New Years started off at a very disappointing beginning.

First off, my mother was sick. Apparently, I have had bronchitis for the past month or so in which I thought was just the common cold (with the addition of phlegm and chest pains here and there). Then, my mom caught it and started to have fevers and lack of energy.

Out of the 5 people left to help my mom, I was the only person to volunteer. Oh, the horror of just doing this out of my own will. I find after three straight days of visiting her room every hour, providing and buying her food every hour, and giving her medicine every hour, my mother and I have switched roles. I took care of her without taking care of myself.

Unfortunately, after she got better, she runs around yelling at me and my brothers for responsibilities that do not belong to us. Apparently, my mom shows absolutely no gratitude for what I did for her for the past couple of days. I don't know where my efforts traveled to in her mind. Maybe it just went in from one of her ears and out the other.

It just tears me apart that my mother doesn't treat me as a daughter. Instead, she burdens me and my siblings with weights that I cannot carry, expectations that I find that I have a hard time fulfilling, and scorns that only makes my responsibilities even harder to accomplish. Whenever I'm at home, I feel like a slave-driving machine that is not allowed to stop until my mother pushes the "stop button."

Despite the fact that I will gain some independence from college, I find that I will still have to come home every week and tolerate her nature and behavior. Through the hardships that I have at school and the responsibilities at home, I feel that I cannot turn to her for help. Instead, I sought others for sympathy and tears.

I cannot sleep, nor can I stop the tears of hopelessness that I can't do anything to change my parents and have them understand how much dedication we put just for the family. Now, I not only worry about the amount of work that I have for school (which I have barely touched), I have the tension of the amount of money I have and dealing with my parsimonious mother.

After receiving gifts from Christmas, I realized that all of them were not what I wanted anymore. None. All I want for Christmas is finding myself, getting time for myself, and seeking a job so I can support myself.



I'm not liking winter break, nor am I looking forward to school. To be honest, I'm not looking forward toward tomorrow anymore.