out of sight, out of mind

For the past week or so, I've been having the urge of writing an entry. However, as easily as I can just regurgitate my mind, I found it awfully hard to start the first word. Thus, I continued to put it off until my mind was annoyed by the thought of updating this blog. Is it any significant that I update at all with my jaded life full of the same routines? So far, I haven't found anything great in my life to mention at the least something to talk about.

I guess one thing that has been incessantly bothering my mind lately is the constant reminders or simply put, demands that my parents have been giving me. As polite as they want to be, they give me notions of ending my relationship. Sometimes, I can't help but think if that decision will really affect me for the better or worse.

Does that mean that if I don't get a 3.5 or higher at college that they have every reason to blame that my relationship was a factor?

Commitment is an awful word to fulfill.
Risk is a hard word that is hard to do.

Waterheater broke. That sucks.

10 minutes of SILENCE

This was an English homework assignment that I wish to copy and paste here out of laziness. Well, not really, it IS like a blog entry. So I'll share!

It was difficult to think during the ten minutes of silence. Ironically, it felt much longer than spending an hour surfing through the internet and listening to music at the same time. I continually looked at my cell phone, pressing a button to light up the screen and check the time. Hoping that it would light up the time as 8:12PM (started at 8:02PM), I was much in dismay when I saw the disappointing 8:07PM. Five minutes has passed when it seemed like much longer. Impatient, I felt as though I was at the least productive. Ironic I say that though since I would spend mindlessly on the computer doing things that was no where relative to my homework assignments. I realized then that my life goes by so quickly that I find time as a priority that was imperative in my routine. However, I found myself contradicting since, again, I waste my time rather than setting my priorities first.

“Speaking of time,” I thought, next thing I knew was that school will quickly come to its end. It was shocking that my school Prom was coming in the near two weeks. Without a dress or an appointment to the mall, I was nervous since I usually have it ready within an earlier time. Not only that, choir concert and AP tests sandwiches that occasion. Lastly, graduation will quickly fly by unnoticeably. It made me depressed that high school will be over. Soon, I will be living on my own without my parents’ aid within my reach. I walked around the bathroom since it was the only room that was quiet in this house. Fears rolled up my spine as I was concerned about the future: my relationship with Jonathan, surviving Berkeley, and my future. Getting into Berkeley was already a great blessing, but surviving would be a great obstacle that I’m unsure I will accomplish. Quite frankly, I did so well in school just for my parents’ happiness. However, I’m afraid that I will fail them in Berkeley. I am deathly scared of ever doing that.

Living a high school full of responsibilities around home, it would feel awkward and peculiar that I will not have to be obligated to pick up that routine in about five months. I wonder if I’ll miss doing those burdensome chores that I despised. On the lighter side, it did help me pick a lot of beneficial habits that I will need in college and in the future.

Summing it to one

It's amazing how quickly time flies when you're having fun. Spring break came and went. However, this lackadaisical attitude and life of procrastination that I have been dwelling for the last few months leave me thinking how I was so productive during junior year. Well, I never was really productive, I was just a bit more determined about my academics than I am now.

Even though it's a year of relaxation, it left me more negative effects than I expected. Many times I blank out or just stare at the computer when I could be easily vomiting my thoughts on this entry.

To sum up Spring Break will be an obstacle. Not really, but it will take some thinking beyond my will. Ha, I'll attempt to anyways for memory's sake.

April 5th - Ken's 18th Birthday at Todai's. We then shopped around and I had to get some groceries.
April 6th - Parents left to Vegas. Jonathan and I watched Death of a Salesman on his laptop and ate Korean tofu for dinner.
April 7th - Sandra's 18th Birthday at Old Town Pasadena. I promised myself a $20 budget there. I was so wrong.
April 8th - Wisdom teeth pulled out. Let's just call that a day.
April 9th - Ironically did nothing that day. Parents came home.
April 10th - Connie's 18th Birthday at her house. Went to Coconut Bay for dinner and met some new people! Truth or Dare was awesome. New cell phone!
April 11th - Packed up for NorCal. Drove up north for about 8 hours and slept over at my dad's friend's house.
April 12th - Cal Day!
April 13th - Drove back to SoCal. Got home around 10:30pm

Okay, I think I used enough of my mind today. I hate being lazy. Bah, I'll blog more tomorrow over college or something of that sort. However, I think procrastination will get the best of me very soon.

it's anything but normal.

Here are some things that I must tell you about myself. I, ironically, do not get along with my mother very well. We can bicker and yell at each other over a silly little subject and make it the biggest issue in the world that is more important than any other war.

Over the past week...
I've felt like a hound bred to perfection and shown off by whom I barely even know. My mother reminds me incessantly how much money she spends and invests on me to send me to SAT classes, hoping to mold me into a smart little girl. "Don't waste my money," is a saying that I always recall from my classes, pressured to do well not for my own sake, but for the sake of not being blamed. I was pushed and pulled to different SAT institutes, hoping that one of them will help me break the 2000 range. In all, I must have attended 90% of the institutes that are available in this area.

Now that I have been accepted to Berkeley, I feel that I've only been redeemed as an award for my mother, a showdog that she has trained. The more I think about going to Berkeley, the less I think about how smart I am, rather, how much fame I would bring to my mother. In the disappointing and bitter end, she gets the trophy, not I.

I've been annoyed by my mother for a very long time since she makes every excuse to not drive her luxurious Mercedes S500 just so that she can drive the IS250. Hence, I do not put "my" IS250 because, oh ha, yeah, I don't own the damn car cause it's "her" damn money that she spent. The more that I look at the dream car that I've always wanted, the more I ever regret wanting to get the stupid IS. In retrospect, I should have just asked for that extra cash and invest it on something else rather than investing on the car that my mother uses. Since my brothers are getting their permit soon, say goodbye to shiny and say hello to dents and scratches. Might as well listen to this lady and "save money" by buying the Camry. Me and my big mouth and ambitions.

Many would think, "you should be lucky of driving a car." Ha, once I go to Berkeley, I practically don't even own the car anymore. Oh wait, I never owned the car. Ha, stupid me.

I would suggest selling her S500 since she complains that it costs too much money for maintenance. She can probably use that money to buy a brand new Camry. New car, hardly any maintenance = Done Deal.

The more I think about living in this house, the more I feel as that I'm just a mere person living in this house and paying the fees back by labor and cleaning. Since everything is spent by her and that it's her money, it is said to believe I belong to her since she gave birth to me. As a result, I have to pay her back because she gave me life. Then, I'd rather not have a life at all.