the REAL reflection

Eric pointed out that my last entry was not much of reflection at all, which I totally agree. I think that the long entry before that caused a brain fart so I couldn't really think much or the determination to write more. So now I'm somewhat determined to write a long entry today! Let's hope the fatigue from last night won't get the best of me.

The past few days have been contradicting each other of being uneventful and quite eventful. It's only been uneventful during the day since there's nothing much to do except drive at some places to go grocery shopping or to drop off my brothers. Other than that, I stare at the computer and talk to a couple of people and read the Taiwan brochure that my dad gave me. However, I find that at night is filled with things to do or look up. Well, I guess it's also most of the time I'm talking to people online and skyping in wee hours. I'm actually quite amazed of how long I could stay up lately considering that I would freak out if I stood up later than 12AM during school.

However, I think that it's still worth it in the end because I was able to share alot of the feelings that I couldn't open up before. At first though I was very hesitant in telling people how I feel or the concerns that I had. In a way, I do feel like I'm burdening people with my worries, knowing that they have no power to change anything. Alot of times I feel disappointed to whom I tell because that individual becomes clueless of what to do and mindlessly listen to things that he/she can't relate to. Because of this, Eric mentioned that my level of attachment can grow rather deep, which I found to be painfully true. In the end, I figured that it was best not being close to people because of the level of attachment and expectation that I can potentially have with others. I've done it before and it hurts losing that feeling of security and trust, and I'd to try and be shot down again. That doesn't mean that I won't trust anyone anymore, I guess the degree of trust just won't be as easy to achieve from me because of my past experiences.

So the past few days have been pretty hectic since my sister's graduation was this week. Two days ago, my family minus my father drove to my parents' office to meet up my dad. Seeing that my dad went out for dinner, we ended up waiting for my dad until he returned. Personally, I found that a complete waste of an hour because we were essentially just sitting there doing almost nothing when we could have saved that time to drive to Irvine first and start the packing. After my dad got his dinner, my siblings and I grew hungry since our family has been lazy and neglected to cook for the last few days. So, we ended up driving to Taco Bell and stocked up on tacos and burritos and went ahead to Irvine.

Looking at Irvine reminded me back at Berkeley and how large the difference in size, security, and cleanliness they both have. Besides the armed robbery that my sister had a couple of months ago at her hall, I always viewed Irvine as another city of Walnut, except it's bigger and prettier to the point that I would actually agree to Jason if he called that city the surburbia maxima. After living in Berkeley for a couple of days, it made me realize how safe most of us are in Walnut or in any suburban city in southern California. I guess that living in Berkeley will give me a good insight of how real and unsafe the real world can be at some degree...

Anyways, so we went to visit my sister and help her pack all her things in her dorm room. If you guys don't know, my sister is a resident advisor (RA) in the Mesa Courts of UCI. Basically, she's in charge of a hall of about eighty residents to make sure that they aren't doing anything against housing policy (drinking, smoking, drugs, etc.) and to check if all of them have checked out accordingly. Of course there are always the fun part of the job since she gets to bond with alot of her residents during the year with movies, outings, or activities. In all, RAs are supposed to be role models for the residents as well as a "mother" while they are transitioning to college.

One great benefit of being an RA is that you get your own room, your big own room, and your big own room that has your own bathroom and entrance. That means, alot of stuff. I don't blame her though, I'm sure that I would have much more stuff than she has at Berkeley. Anyways, my family and I spent a couple of hours wrapping and boxing up her things. It was very tiring, but it was touching to see her and her residents crying together and saying their goodbyes.

Today was my sister's graduation. I must say, UCI prepares their graduation very efficiently. You see, at high school, the staff forces the seniors to rehearse for two days while UCI takes only an hour to get everyone lined up and their names down. That's what you call efficient. The number of graduates was about the same as that as my graduation, but the time length was much shorter. Most of us were so tired that we fell asleep after we cheered on my sister when her name was called. It was good that the graduation took place indoors too, we would have fried if we were outside.

After graduation, our family took a bunch of photos together as well with her other friends. It was amazing to see her graduate already and she her grow and mature through each year. I really want to express how proud I am to be her sister and a great role model, but I feel I've already made it redundant enough while she was at home. I think the great thing about her being in college was that we were able to be much closer and share alot of interests together. I'll stop from there.

Since most of us were hungry, my sister drove to Yogurtland. My mom gave us a clear message that she wasn't a huge of yogurt seeing that she hardly liked any of the flavors that it offered (and if you've been to Yogurtland, they offer over ten flavors of just yogurt). She also left the yogurt as soup in the end since she ate too slow. Oh well.

Okay, I'll end it here since there's much more to update soon that I haven't mentioned yet...

result of nothing

The result of having no homework is the greatest thing ever. I'm loving senior year to its fullest because not only am I able to spend time with my family more often without bickering or fighting over study time, but also I had many opportunities to go out with friends and bump into old friends.

Very very old friends.

It was a total coincidence to have able to meet my kindergarten friend Clara again during Clarice's recital. Not only did she have the same facial features as I have remembered from the past, but she also grew up to be a beautiful girl. It was amazing to see the chances of us reuniting together again and good terms unlike the unusual one with me and Clarice.

I found it very hard to let go of the responsibilities that I had for Key Club. Of course, I was so happy that the stress of planning events or contacting organizations was off my shoulders. However, the times that I was able to share my dedication to other people made me feel very nostalgic in which gave me a hard hit of how close graduation will be. It amazing how some of the things that we do in high school quickly become a routine for us every week that can easily break towards the end of the year.

Last week, my sister's residents bought her a Nintendo Wii for her birthday, which she brought home for use to play. To my disbelief, my father was obsessed with Tennis on the WiiSports, playing it six hours straight till 4 in the morning and woke up again 7 hours later to play some more. Talk about a very addicting fetish. As a result, we laughed as my father couldn't pick up a bowl of food.

out of sight, out of mind

For the past week or so, I've been having the urge of writing an entry. However, as easily as I can just regurgitate my mind, I found it awfully hard to start the first word. Thus, I continued to put it off until my mind was annoyed by the thought of updating this blog. Is it any significant that I update at all with my jaded life full of the same routines? So far, I haven't found anything great in my life to mention at the least something to talk about.

I guess one thing that has been incessantly bothering my mind lately is the constant reminders or simply put, demands that my parents have been giving me. As polite as they want to be, they give me notions of ending my relationship. Sometimes, I can't help but think if that decision will really affect me for the better or worse.

Does that mean that if I don't get a 3.5 or higher at college that they have every reason to blame that my relationship was a factor?

Commitment is an awful word to fulfill.
Risk is a hard word that is hard to do.

Waterheater broke. That sucks.

a mere shadow.

Amongst the class of twenty four in Mrs. Bardwell's fourth grade class, a girl sits about two seats away from the back where it was not to far from her teacher's piano. The girl also joined the praise group that performed weekly during chapel, and was also the sister of whom her teacher favored so much. The girl, who was quite chubby and overweight, eagerly and immediately raised her hand to answer a question that the teacher stated.

"Michelle!" would be the first word that the teacher would think and say the moment the girl raised her hand; however, that wasn't her name but her sister's. Although this was but the tenth time her teacher called her by that name, the girl was by that time used to being called by her sibling's name. She accepted that fact, knowing that even if she tried telling her teacher her name was actually "Stephanie," her teacher would continue calling her by her older sister's name.

Eight years later.

The girl sat in the library during her free first period, finishing up some homework that she has not yet completed. As she looks over, she sees and waves to Mrs. Donee, who was critiquing on IOCs for the IB students.

"Michelle! MICHELLE!"

The girl turned around and saw Mrs. Donee looking at her. The teacher called her to ask her a favor, which the girl happily agreed to do. Knowing that the teacher has called her by the wrong name, she shrugged it off and got a couple of books from the classroom. After returning the teacher her keys, the girl showed Mrs. Donee the Winter Formal pictures that she took with her boyfriend and asked her if she wanted one. Still unaware that the girl's actual name is Stephanie, the teacher took one the pictures and thanked the girl. The girl walked back to her desk and continued doing her homework.

She is told to become an RA in college like her sister. She remains merely existing as a walking shadow. In retrospect, she finds that she still has a difficult time discovering her identity when those around her pressure her to becoming someone to the point that she doesn't know who to be.

kindness that is felt, not spoken

I'm running out of good-looking food pictures. I need to upload the camera...

While doing the choreography for Women's Show Choir, I looked down and noticed that my shoes were mighty shiny and black. Staring at my what-it-looks-like new shoes, I made sure and recalled a few times that I did not polish them myself.

My dad came home and asked me what he did for me today. Of course I replied happily that he polished my shoes...and my boots!

I was quickly captured by the consideration and kindness of my father. It really made my day after spending painful hours asking my mom about FASFA/CSS.

Bitterness knows no end.

After realizing that the end of winter break is rapidly approaching, I found that I have not enjoyed much of my winter break this year.

?! What did you say!!?

Yes, I did go to Las Vegas and accidentally spent and ate beyond my limits. BUT! I had an awesome time bonding with my siblings and spending time with my bunny.

However, New Years started off at a very disappointing beginning.

First off, my mother was sick. Apparently, I have had bronchitis for the past month or so in which I thought was just the common cold (with the addition of phlegm and chest pains here and there). Then, my mom caught it and started to have fevers and lack of energy.

Out of the 5 people left to help my mom, I was the only person to volunteer. Oh, the horror of just doing this out of my own will. I find after three straight days of visiting her room every hour, providing and buying her food every hour, and giving her medicine every hour, my mother and I have switched roles. I took care of her without taking care of myself.

Unfortunately, after she got better, she runs around yelling at me and my brothers for responsibilities that do not belong to us. Apparently, my mom shows absolutely no gratitude for what I did for her for the past couple of days. I don't know where my efforts traveled to in her mind. Maybe it just went in from one of her ears and out the other.

It just tears me apart that my mother doesn't treat me as a daughter. Instead, she burdens me and my siblings with weights that I cannot carry, expectations that I find that I have a hard time fulfilling, and scorns that only makes my responsibilities even harder to accomplish. Whenever I'm at home, I feel like a slave-driving machine that is not allowed to stop until my mother pushes the "stop button."

Despite the fact that I will gain some independence from college, I find that I will still have to come home every week and tolerate her nature and behavior. Through the hardships that I have at school and the responsibilities at home, I feel that I cannot turn to her for help. Instead, I sought others for sympathy and tears.

I cannot sleep, nor can I stop the tears of hopelessness that I can't do anything to change my parents and have them understand how much dedication we put just for the family. Now, I not only worry about the amount of work that I have for school (which I have barely touched), I have the tension of the amount of money I have and dealing with my parsimonious mother.

After receiving gifts from Christmas, I realized that all of them were not what I wanted anymore. None. All I want for Christmas is finding myself, getting time for myself, and seeking a job so I can support myself.



I'm not liking winter break, nor am I looking forward to school. To be honest, I'm not looking forward toward tomorrow anymore.

The difference between Gluttony and Indulgence

Gluttony gets you nowhere. Indulgence makes you happy for what you have until it's gone.

There's a thought that always comes up in mind on September 23. Maybe it's the weather that always changes unpredictably. The inclement weather is unmerciful. It rains. It pours.

For some odd reason. For every few years (this year, too) that it does rain before this particular date, I feel as though the sky is crying for me.

It's been exactly four years since my grandfather has passed away. I can remember ever so clearly the moment I came home from school. We received a phone call from my father, who rarely calls, and rarely talks very quietly.

"Stephy, let me talk to your sister please."

I then handed the phone to my sister and walked over to the study room. A few minutes later, I see my sister already in tears, saying that my grandfather died approximately 10:00AM that day. I couldn't help but well up tears in my eyes the moment my sister cried out, "Grandpa passed away today." My siblings and I never cried so hard together, grieving our lost.

Seeing my grandfather in a casket was one of the most memorable yet most depressing moments of my life. I couldn't touch his forehead, I didn't want to feel how death feels. I was still in complete denial that my grandfather left us. After visiting him weekly at three different hospitals for two years, seeing him slowly open his eyes, and even touching his hands made me want to just imagine that he's still there. During that time when his health was returning, I still wonder even now,

"Why then?"

I think the most realistic and painful time I've ever experience was when I saw my father cried for the first time.

And probably for the last time.

Losing my grandfather was like losing a father to me. He took care of me when I was little and always made funny jokes behind my grandmother. And now... all that I have now from him are birthday cards and shards of memories that I may just forget. I hope I don't forget.

So here's to you grandpa. I hope you're watching up from above and know that all of us are okay. We're getting through this and we want you to know that we are happier that you left an unfair world to a better place. It's been four years, but it felt just like yesterday since you left your physical presence. Hope we can visit you soon.

Our family and loved ones are indulgences. Like the Häagen-Dazs® Vanilla and Almond ice cream bar, we should all be grateful for what we have, because we know there will always be a day when they're gone. However, we must also appreciate the moments and the cherished recounts that there was and never let those times die out from time.

sing when you're sad

What you can do with beans.

Green bean cakes (綠豆糕) is one of the many "souvenirs" in Taiwan that I would be happy to bring back home. Smooth and sweet, these little molded pieces of pastries are filled with red bean paste that are found in almost any bakery in Taipei. I guess you can say they taste similar to peanut butter since it makes me thirsty every time I take a bite out of it.

Foods like these just reminds me of the good ol' days when I went to Taiwan for about two weeks with my family. It's really strange, the moment we landed on the new Taipei airport platform, I could just feel that I was in Taiwan. I couldn't feel that when I landed on Hong Kong or Shanghai, only Taiwan. Staying in Taiwan made me feel like I was home, even though I was not natively born here. The atmosphere, the people, and just the nightlife in Taiwan made me feel like I belonged there. Well, obviously. Like I mentioned in my previous post, I do feel like the oddball in the family because I only seem to adulate Taiwanese pop and Taiwan's culture.

I think the greatest thing about Taiwan and China is knowing where the people come from. With hundreds of different dialects, saying one is Chinese doesn't define his or her ethnic background. In a way, each province is similar to a "country," each having their own unique culture and aspects of life. For example, my father's side came from 河南 (Henan) , which is near the Yellow River, and 南京 (Nanjing) while my mother's side came from both 上海 (Shanghai) and 四川 (Szechwan). So aside from just coming from Taiwan, another history unveils itself!

王力宏 - 星期六的深夜

星期六晚上 那兒都不想去 也無法入睡
看著電視機 持續在發呆 喝了七分醉
閉上了眼睛 試著不想你 但已來不及
忘了如何讓眼淚 停止流下
還好沒人看見(到) 沒人會說話

星期六深夜 我想起了你
沒什麼特別 只是回憶
你讓我自由 我很感激
星期六深夜 喔～
永遠不會有任何人 能代替你

這就是遺憾的滋味 陪著我形影不離
明天我會面帶微笑 但無法忘記你

讓我自由 我很感激
星期六 喔～Yeah

永遠不會有任何人 能代替你