a mere shadow.

Amongst the class of twenty four in Mrs. Bardwell's fourth grade class, a girl sits about two seats away from the back where it was not to far from her teacher's piano. The girl also joined the praise group that performed weekly during chapel, and was also the sister of whom her teacher favored so much. The girl, who was quite chubby and overweight, eagerly and immediately raised her hand to answer a question that the teacher stated.

"Michelle!" would be the first word that the teacher would think and say the moment the girl raised her hand; however, that wasn't her name but her sister's. Although this was but the tenth time her teacher called her by that name, the girl was by that time used to being called by her sibling's name. She accepted that fact, knowing that even if she tried telling her teacher her name was actually "Stephanie," her teacher would continue calling her by her older sister's name.

Eight years later.

The girl sat in the library during her free first period, finishing up some homework that she has not yet completed. As she looks over, she sees and waves to Mrs. Donee, who was critiquing on IOCs for the IB students.

"Michelle! MICHELLE!"

The girl turned around and saw Mrs. Donee looking at her. The teacher called her to ask her a favor, which the girl happily agreed to do. Knowing that the teacher has called her by the wrong name, she shrugged it off and got a couple of books from the classroom. After returning the teacher her keys, the girl showed Mrs. Donee the Winter Formal pictures that she took with her boyfriend and asked her if she wanted one. Still unaware that the girl's actual name is Stephanie, the teacher took one the pictures and thanked the girl. The girl walked back to her desk and continued doing her homework.

She is told to become an RA in college like her sister. She remains merely existing as a walking shadow. In retrospect, she finds that she still has a difficult time discovering her identity when those around her pressure her to becoming someone to the point that she doesn't know who to be.

Intense gastronomy pleasures

Second semester seniors. A time of the school year when seniors finally get a taste of independence, freedom, and most of all, laziness. However, it's the laziness that comes from procrastination. However, going out is another story.

So after finals, which I probably failed terribly, I went out to sing my heart out, ate my heart out, and shopped my heart out. I also reunited with a very close friend back in middle school. Wow, time does fly by; however, memories really does fail to change or disappear. It was great seeing Vanessa again with her sweet smile. After meeting her numerous baby cousins, I began to feel nostalgic about middle school memories and just the simplicity of living to the fullest.

UCI has been struck with a strong but undeniable relationship that it is not the safest town around. It sucks to have that vision that what many thought to be a safe and clean town be corrected by armed robberies. Stay strong sis.

Saving up/Wishlist

I never really found out what I wanted for Christmas until after Christmas. Now I have to save up for these:

During the Las Vegas trip, my siblings, Jonathan, and I went to the Luxor arcade since we were really bored after dinner. While I was playing air hockey with Jonathan, I found out afterwards that I severely cracked my screen on my Samsung. That was a very devastating experience. Since the air hockey spewed out almost no air, he and I had to bend over alot to hit the puck. Lame. So I have been pretty bummed out seeing my phone with the ugly crack.
I've been looking around sites and came across this lovely new phone that was just released in the UK. The Sony Ericsson K660i. I WANT THIS. Ha, I wonder how much it's going to be though. Here's another picture of the green and white one.
So, I'm not really sure exactly how I'm going to fulfill my dreams about getting a new phone. Although my family's plan is already over, my mother hasn't sent a message that we were going to get a new phone. My sister tried poking it to her, but she never really budged. Plus, I'm not really up for another lecture of, "You should be content and grateful for what you have." Yes, mother, I am very content, but I am not content when you spend thousands of dollars for your weight-loss pills that never work while you don't even spend a penny buying us phones. I am not complaining about my phone plan, so keep the phone plan.

So, I basically have a choice of getting a job. No, not a real job, but a job from my parents' office. Unfortunately, I am also paid below minimum wage without any social security benefits. Minimum wage: $7.50-$8.00. My wage: $6.00 flat. Yeah, pretty sad. I probably leave around 8PM and get back home around 11:30PM-12:00AM depending on my mother. Oh gosh, I'm going to cry during inventories, which takes until about 1:00AM-2:00AM.

Well, I did kind of found another job from the Student Poll Program for the Primary Presidential Campaign. Out of dividing the amount of time and the money I get paid altogether ($105), it comes out to be about $7.50/hr. Now that's a good deal. And I get to miss school! Too bad the check doesn't come in for another 4-6 weeks after I have done the job.

So considering the two options in front of me, I can probably get the phone and possibly the laptop for college. Yeah, my parents refuse to support me for that as well. LAME.

a poem

I look around the room,
with confusion and despair.
And I was depress to assume
That the person is not there.

Forgiveness is what I seek
For him, not for me
However, I have less than a week
To know what our destination may be.

I hold what I have in my heart
And hope we will never be apart.
Turn around and run to the shining light
And do what I think is right.

i guess it was bad timing

下著雨讓濕氣稀釋回憶　我靠著你不出聲音
看著你看著斑駁的甜蜜　愛你困住你也困住我自己

我那躲也躲不掉的微妙傷口　隱隱作痛
你那戒也戒不掉的甜蜜藉口　也讓我精神腐朽

說你愛我　變成一種問候
不如趁早放手　把愛墜落讓滿地鮮紅
說你愛我　變成一種折磨
不用陪我走到最後　我承擔不起你的承諾

I wish you could have said no that night, or shouldn't have asked her at all.
As much as I want to cry and just hold you tight in my arms, I have to suck it up and know that there is no turning back.
I really thought you were someone who I can always turn to and share moments with;
however, I wish I can just take everything back now.

Was I too naive to see it coming and slap me in the face? Was I too optimistic, thinking that everything was going to work out and that our feelings for each other will never be hindered or stopped by either of our choices?


I guess I was wrong. Though, I wish I wasn't.

kindness that is felt, not spoken

I'm running out of good-looking food pictures. I need to upload the camera...

While doing the choreography for Women's Show Choir, I looked down and noticed that my shoes were mighty shiny and black. Staring at my what-it-looks-like new shoes, I made sure and recalled a few times that I did not polish them myself.

My dad came home and asked me what he did for me today. Of course I replied happily that he polished my shoes...and my boots!

I was quickly captured by the consideration and kindness of my father. It really made my day after spending painful hours asking my mom about FASFA/CSS.

the most unprecedented experience.

Getting a message called "Low Tires" from the Lexus display was something I did not expect out of the first day of winter break.

Because I had to leave the car there for the whole winter break in the wintry, chilling weather, the pressure of the front tires dropped so low that it felt like the bumpers were going to slide on the road. After only driving the Lexus for a little more than four months, I didn't expect the car to already have a minor problem.

So afterschool, Jonathan and I dropped by the Chevron and paid about $1.50 to get the tires to be back to normal.

A thing to keep in mind: When pumping tires, make sure to have quarters handy.

i want out.

I can't stand this pain anymore.

One hour and forty minutes ago...
I kicked her laundry across the kitchen and family room with hot tears blazing through my eyes. I stared at my nanny with infuriation and sadness and continued to kick her pajamas and underwear once or twice more.

She threw more towels down from her second story room to the first story floor and demanded to wash those too.

I swiped those off the floor and threw those along with her other clothing. I stepped into the study room.

I crouched down and allowed the tears to just fall.

I don't know if I can stay strong much longer. I look around and I find no strength to grab onto and hold.

I really want a job. Too bad I'm binding by this wicked woman who thinks that working for her is better than any other job. I'll pass and object to that. She pays me $6 an hour. My $10 allowance is not allowance. It's really a euphemism of 7 hours or so of labor that I do at home. Which means, I get paid about $1.43/hour.

And you all thought your job sucked. At least you have one guys.

The picture above was when the wicked was too lazy to cook us dinner and left home around 7:30PM for "work." My brothers and I fixed ourselves chili dogs and macaroni and cheese as a result. That was a great dinner.

desperate realization

I don't think you read this anymore, but I wanted to let this out typed out.

I'm sorry. I take it all back.

Bitterness knows no end.

After realizing that the end of winter break is rapidly approaching, I found that I have not enjoyed much of my winter break this year.

?! What did you say!!?

Yes, I did go to Las Vegas and accidentally spent and ate beyond my limits. BUT! I had an awesome time bonding with my siblings and spending time with my bunny.

However, New Years started off at a very disappointing beginning.

First off, my mother was sick. Apparently, I have had bronchitis for the past month or so in which I thought was just the common cold (with the addition of phlegm and chest pains here and there). Then, my mom caught it and started to have fevers and lack of energy.

Out of the 5 people left to help my mom, I was the only person to volunteer. Oh, the horror of just doing this out of my own will. I find after three straight days of visiting her room every hour, providing and buying her food every hour, and giving her medicine every hour, my mother and I have switched roles. I took care of her without taking care of myself.

Unfortunately, after she got better, she runs around yelling at me and my brothers for responsibilities that do not belong to us. Apparently, my mom shows absolutely no gratitude for what I did for her for the past couple of days. I don't know where my efforts traveled to in her mind. Maybe it just went in from one of her ears and out the other.

It just tears me apart that my mother doesn't treat me as a daughter. Instead, she burdens me and my siblings with weights that I cannot carry, expectations that I find that I have a hard time fulfilling, and scorns that only makes my responsibilities even harder to accomplish. Whenever I'm at home, I feel like a slave-driving machine that is not allowed to stop until my mother pushes the "stop button."

Despite the fact that I will gain some independence from college, I find that I will still have to come home every week and tolerate her nature and behavior. Through the hardships that I have at school and the responsibilities at home, I feel that I cannot turn to her for help. Instead, I sought others for sympathy and tears.

I cannot sleep, nor can I stop the tears of hopelessness that I can't do anything to change my parents and have them understand how much dedication we put just for the family. Now, I not only worry about the amount of work that I have for school (which I have barely touched), I have the tension of the amount of money I have and dealing with my parsimonious mother.

After receiving gifts from Christmas, I realized that all of them were not what I wanted anymore. None. All I want for Christmas is finding myself, getting time for myself, and seeking a job so I can support myself.



I'm not liking winter break, nor am I looking forward to school. To be honest, I'm not looking forward toward tomorrow anymore.